PosterNutbag

i'm a damn sucker for 'puter mini-golf. this christmas one is as good as it gets. turn on the sound for some excellent crowd-clapping. it's very encouraging. plus, i like to choose from their "client themed putters." i can't tell you how many times i've played for team hooters-- although occasionally i putt for badcocks furniture. depends on my mood.

You know I - thug em, fuck em, love em, leave em
Cause I don't fuckin need em

Take em out the hood, keep em lookin good
But I don't fuckin feed em

First time they fuss I'm breezin
Talkin bout, "What's the reasons?"

I'm a pimp in every sense of the word, bitch
Better trust than believe em

*this deserved a good edit for clarity. pardon the clean-up.

so.... the man and i are sitting, watching tv at the family's house over the holiday weekend. a particularly annoying christmas commercial comes on hocking fine jewlery as santa's choice gift for his mrs. (sidenote: i hate the stereotype that women crave fine jewlery. it's just not true.) commercial's conclusion: mrs. claus
kisses santa. the following conversation ensues, shown here as recorded by the BIL.

“What, no tongue?”
“She’s Mrs. Claus.”
“You know she’s freaky, she’s got all those midgets running around.”
“What the elves?”
“Yeah, I bet one night a year, she likes to get a little midget elf
love.”
“One night?”
“Yeah, while Santa’s delivering packages. Mrs. Claus is getting
packages of her own. I bet once she gets a taste of a little cock,
it turns into an elf gang bang.”
“That would make a great porn.”
“Wow, you are a sick pervert, talking about an elf gang bang.”
“You’re the one who said.”
“Stop trying to blame me perv.”

the folks are hounding me for a christmas list. problem is, i can think of nothing. does that mean i am old?

the mom is tweaking about thanksgiving plans. i spent an hour tonight on the phone hashing out the pros/cons and all possible outcomes for each dinner possibility. it was exhausting. even worse, i can guarantee we will be having the same discussion at least once more prior to turkey day. oooh, to be a mom and care so much about what everyone thinks. refreshing really.

in other tragic news, i took my nose thingie out for a good, thorough cleaning this weekend and have not been successful with stud reentry. mostly, i just caused myself a lot of pain and headache, as well as a nice infection. the cunt at the tat shop says i'll have to repierce it. makes sense, really, but annoys me nonetheless. when i remarked that i had made a stupid move by taking it out, she quipped back, "not stupid, just highly uneducated." pfft to her.

been doing the whole happy hour thing with some work people on fridays. (following "the shocker" incident, i've been accepted into the inner circle) this friday i ran into an old high school friend. in this smallish town, that happens frequently-ish. what made this time different was i actually did the approach. still, we had that awkward "whatcha been doin'" conversation and it was after some unsettling silences, that we decided to exchange cell phone numbers. we then agreed that we would never call each other. gosh, it was good to see him.

i "lost" my cell phone today. it was tragic. all day i pictured it crushed on the street somewhere, or worse: stolen and used. i pictured myself having to call the phone company and get a replacement. i whined about not having an insurance plan. i spent significant time, mourning for all the phone numbers that would be lost. then, i imagined what it might be like to not have a cell phone for a few days-- maybe a week-- while they sent me my new one. it was a heartbreaking day.

........................................ luckily. i returned home to find my beloved phone on the counter. crisis averted.

the friday past i tagged along to a co-worker's party---- and the preparty happy hour. i knew about 3 people out of the 30 there. at first i wasn't going to go but then i succumbed to peer pressure and promises of booze. i made friends fast thanks to the following series of events.

so, this chick at the party broke her ring finger as a child. i suppose it was never set right cause she couldn't straighten it out. all night i'd see her waving at people ring finger bent, thumb sorta cocked. bitch was giving everybody the shocker. i drank some more and decided i should call her on it. but apparently these elementary school teachers weren't aware and i was probed for a definition. i leaned in and gave the best def i know, "two in the pink, one in the stink."

aaaahhh. whata night. i just can't wait to flash the shocker on the DL in my next meeting with them.